Tidbits

butter. flies.

had a talk with @melo4jello yesterday.

the universe has given me all these great “chances.” i’m stupid, and i’ve declined every single last one of them. i never went through with any of the “chances” because i just didn’t feel any of them was right. i’m not picky, i just am looking for the right thing to appreciate— that one thing that i know i can never dumb down to or hype up for. the balance between all my preferences plays a really big part in my life right about now, and knowing who and what i like is a very important aspect.

this all makes it sound like i should be all gung ho, right? well, it’s not. i’m not particularly satisfied with where i stand right now. and as much as i say i’m a very individualist kind of person, i’m not. i feel alone.

BUT. there are a very random few that make me not feel alone. these people are always the ones who might seem like they are complete mismatches with my persona, total opposites, holistic negatives of me. and yet, they are the only people i’d rather talk to, the only people that have the slightest clue on what i can describe to be my feelings and my day. it’s these not-so-usual people that i find the most intriguing, and i’d do anything for the universe to allow me a “chance” to further my relationship with them. the only problem is-i’ll never get those “chances”.. at least, not at the current time. maybe somewhere in the future; months, even years from now. people and society will look condescendingly toward me for the knits that i’m dying to make possible. people will just stupidly judge something that they’ve got no inside information on.

and so here i am, waiting for the universe to allow me to get the right “chance” i’ve dreamt for. here i am, wishing i can be with someone who is sooooo right for me. here i am, experiencing the anguish of how ironic it all is, since she’s already there, already in my grasp, but i can’t have her.

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imagine you had all the money in the world. price is not a worry for you, because you know you already have enough to pay for the thing you want. the only problem is, the thing you want is not for sale. you know every detail of this thing, since you’re like in absolute amazement by it. you know how much it will impact your life in a positive way, but other people wouldn’t understand. and so, you’re stuck. you’re stuck with knowing you can already buy the thing, but it won’t happen yet, because it’s just not possible. THIS. this is how it feels.

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butterflies. butter. flies.